This is all fine until they say shit like “you never do anything around here unless I tell you to”.
And when people constantly tell you “hey could you do this… could you do that” they never give you the chance to show that you would do stuff on your own as well.
Sadly this is what I think eventually broke up my last relationship. My ex was very much that, I wanted to show I could do things on my own accord but I never got the chance to actually do so and my brain in all of its fucked up ways refused to do all of that stuff less after being told to do so because it’s further perpetuating that i can’t do it without being told to first. And further down that spiral i went, deeper and deeper.
I eventually got over the feeling. My response is an “already on it” in the sense of a playful “i beat you to it”, and I expect an “awesome, thanks” in turn. That way it’s gratitude and support for each other - since that was the intention to begin with - instead of resentment for an unnecessary reminder.
Imo it helps to remind oneself that mental load is a thing and they’re reminding themselves just as much as you. Getting ahead of the reminder consistently will eventually make the reminder obsolete and lighten the mental load.
What a breath of fresh air in this comment thread. You get it.
hey can you do the thing you’re doing
:(
Yup I dont like to study what I am told to study but I like to study which I am not told or required.
I love guilt tripping so I’ll easily hit em with ‘what do you think I’m doing? fuck you’ (last part optional ofc)
:
“fuck me yourself, coward”
I think fully half of the fights with my mom growing up was due to her telling me to do a thing, in the most naggy, demanding tone, as I was doing it
Worse: This, but with a fiancée… “Eurgh, you never do any household work!” “Seriously? Sure we can have that discussion, but like… literally while I’m vacuuming?!”
Urgh yeah, the absolute social misplay of using someone’s decision to be productive as an excuse to badger them about how rarely they are productive.
Like, this is human interaction 101, don’t punish good behaviour, bite your tongue and enjoy the win, save the discussion for when they aren’t being productive!
A lot of mine were me just returning from a different room, and the process of sitting down, and she says shit like “oh while you’re up” or asks if I could get her something from the room I just returned from
Why would someone downvote you sharing your lived experience? Some people here are so strange.
Haters gonna hate.
Or I have a lemmy-stalker.
I have this and it’s due to Psychological reactance.I’m still trying figure out how to work around it.
Me too, from autism
I wouldn’t say it a true work-around, but my father has told us he will not do anything we *demand* of him, but if we make a *request* which he can turn down, he will usually be okay with doing the task. He likes being helpful and appreciated. A “request” from authority or with consequences if he turns it down, does not count.
This may not work for everyone, but it works for our family. And it only works because he’s old enough to be near the top of family/social authority. He was a rebellious son and there was no workaround for him to obey his parents.
Hey, could you get on that for me? Thanks bro
I’ve literally just started calling my mum out on it. I tell her, “I was literally going to, but now I won’t out of spite” so that she knows not to do it and that I’m just as petty as her when it comes to being told to do something.
It’s actually started to help
For me, that would be a great way to get kicked out of the house
You’re detailing a tantrum you’ve thrown over not wanting to do chores and think you’ve won something over your mother?
Who cooks in your house?
You are assuming like 10 layers of the relationship in this whole conversation.
When I visit my mother in her house, she treats me as a child despite me being a grown adult by quite some many years.
If there are dishes in the sink, I naturally go to rinse them off, that is, until she says something before I get there of “there are dishes in the sink and you’re not going to wash them?”
It’s little things like that. I don’t know if it’s entirely conscious, or if it’s a control thing for her brought out by her own mother’s endless criticism of her every action, but it’s a hurtful thing where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason. You can ignore it and breed silent resentment, or you can address it.
I’ve started addressing it.
An implication where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason.
Since when is asking someone to do the dishes after they cooked you a meal at this level of resentment?
When you are diligent, and someone still feels the need to pester you about whatever, it feels harrasive. She doesn’t trust him to do it on his own. That is hurtful.
Who cooked the meal has no impact on that.
I think you are projecting issues in your own situation onto tetris11.
Depends on the tone, whether it’s an accusation of your general being. You know how parents can say things in a way that seem innocuous, but are used as a way to control or denigrate in some small way. You couldn’t name it as a child, but as an adult you know exactly what it is, and is the reason why you limit your visits to only so many hours.
You still love them, they still love you. But it’s hard for them to shake off old behaviours.
I’m sincerely sorry that your relationship with your mother is so damaged. And I’m sorry that you’re stuck in petty tit for tat with her as a means to gain control. It sounds unhealthy and I hope it gets better for you.
Aside from that, using something so communal as dishes to demonstrate this social interaction is wild to me. Dishes need to be done every single day. To not do a communal chore like that because of spite in an otherwise healthy household is absolutely unhealthy and breeding resentment.
Out of respect, I don’t quite think you understand how close my mother and I are. Me calling her out on her control tactics and expressing my feelings in response to it isn’t the start of a petty war. She laughs and nods. I laugh and nod too.
It’s the start of self awareness in breaking a cycle, and she gets what I’m trying to do and respects it.
Often she forgets, because old habits die hard, but it’s getting better
You sound like a sealion. Stop being a dick.
Autonomy needs a sense of belonging. So reassuring yourself that you made the choice before being asked.
…might want to keep an eye on the guy in red though. If he assumes your acquiescence too much you’ll get “thwarted belonging”.
You gotta reply to this post
Nuh uh!
When a tiny dog barks while you walk away, to make it look like it’s the reason you walk away.
Reason # 5,348 why I love living alone.
Im mostly ok with this, but when they start telling me how to do the dishes, that’s when I lose motivation.
… well now I’m not doing it!
This seems to only happen when it comes from people I actively dislike.
💯
Removed by mod
What a useless comment that completely misunderstood the exchange in the same way as velma.
Sometimes I forget how young the user base is here.
I’m almost 50 and this comic is very relatable.
Is it relatable to people who still have their mothers and wives tell them to do the dishes?
Who here isn’t just doing their own dishes because they’re adults? You getting mad at your roommates or something for shared chores?
Me and my SO are both adults and yes we communicate about household chores. Crazy concept right?
Sometimes she’s busy and asks if I could do the dishes. Sometimes it’s the other way around.
Of course most of the time we both simply take care of chores when they need to be done. But we don’t have assigned tasks in the household: we both cook, clean, do laundry, etc. And sometimes we communicate about who does what.
…yeah that’s how it’s supposed to work.
Getting resentful and refusing to do a chore out of spite because your partner asked is the unhealthy part I was referencing.
Your problem here is that you think this feeling is a choice, velma. It’s not a choice. They’re not deciding that they don’t want to do the dishes.
In fact, quite often, because we are indeed adults, we will still do the dishes, because they need doing, even though it’s really hard to do them now!
So stop being mad at people for the feelings they have, and start listening to them!
Dishes are a unique kind of chore, with a huge possibility for resentment, not just a “shared chore”. Most who have lived long term with another knows how it goes
- The mess is in a (usually) small living space (kitchen). You can’t really avoid the dishes or work around them. Dishes make it very frustrating to work in that environment
- At a certain point it becomes impossible to prepare new food to eat; it’s not something you can put off forever, it has a strict time limit
- Dirty dishes are really gross, both visually and olfactorily, and attract pests
- Other people’s mess directly affects your life and health in a very real way
- The longer you leave it, the harder it is to clean
- Often, one person has a different standard of “clean” than the other; they might not even realise there is a problem
- This can lead to controlling or other toxic behaviour
That’s why what usually ends up happening is some combination of these:
- Frequent commands (increasingly not-gentle reminders) to clean up
- One person does all the dishes forever, constantly, becoming a taken-for-granted dish slave until burnout (this was me with my ex)
- Frequent “discussions” about the state of cleanliness
No matter which side of the interaction you’re on, you’re likely to encounter resentment. Either for being constantly nagged about something you don’t see as a big deal, or annoyance because you forgot just a few times and feel undeserved scrutiny, or frustration because the other person never cleans at all
Compare this to, say; taking the trash out, laundry, or tending the plants. It’s not even close in terms of how much another’s actions impact your physical or mental health
Jesus Christ. Good luck with everything.
Personally it is me overcoming my ADHD hurdles to do a thing and then being reminded that I always forget to do things. Like I am fucking doing it right now so telling me to do the thing I am doing is like being told I forgot something, which is the most frustrating feeling for me.
Yes, it is fucking annoying when my wife hollers from the other room to do the thing I am currently doing because she assumed I wasn’t. Maybe she should do the things she is supposed to do but forgets, but I don’t bug her about it because I know how annoying it is.
Also, making it a gendered issue is pretty sexist of you. A boss of either gender telling me to do the thing I’m already doing is frustrating too.
That’s a lot of words for how you resent your wife.
So yeah, I guess it is relatable to people who still have their mothers and wives tell them to do household chores.
Eh I used mothers and wives because I am a mother and wife. Nothing to do with sexism, everything to do with relating it to the types of people in my life that refuse to pitch in on shared household responsibilities.
Can you throw around a few more sexist stereotypes? I don’t think you have embarrssed yourself enough yet.
It isn’t just about dishes and chores, jesus christ. Go back and read my edit.
She’s a known sexist. Basically all her posts are like this.
I’m talking specifically about household chores as pictured in the comic.
I struggle with ADHD as well, but someone has to get shit done around the house regardless of my executive dysfunction. Blaming it on others is immature at best.
I’m saying it is NOT just about household chores and it isn’t about blaming anyone.
Wow, this is an incredibly sexist comment about a genderless comic. From experience, when I walk up to the sink and start doing the dishes, and then my SO walks up and asks me to do the dishes (which has happened a number of times) I think they’re being unobservant and controlling and I feel unappreciated. That’s what this comment is about, lady.
Perhaps these mothers and wives should have some respect for others doing things their own way and at their own pace? They can not expect others to be exactly like themselves.
