Could be a one liner or a long drawn out thing I don’t care. I like all kinds of comedy.
[ ⚠ CW: NSFW ] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smOaqKhs_k4&t=479s
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 🥕
Three engineers are debating which discipline of engineering God used when making the human body. The electrical engineer says God’s obviously an electrical engineer, cos the nervous system and the neurons moving around the body are wired like an electrical system.
The mechanical engineer stops him, God is obviously a mechanical engineer, look at the muscle and bones and the ways they interact and move with one another, it’s just like a mechanical system.
The civil engineer smiles and jumps in, God is obviously a civil engineer; who else would run a waste pipe through a recreation centre?
A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.
The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”
The genie says, “Check your pants.”
The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”
Genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”
A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice inside his head. It says, “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He shrugs it off, but pretty soon he hears it again. “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He keeps trying to ignore the voice, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he’s hearing it constantly - “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!”
Finally he can’t stand it. he decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas. The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, “Go to Caesar’s Palace!” He takes a cab to Caesar’s Palace. The voice says, “Go to the roulette wheel!” He makes his way back to the roulette wheel. The voice says, “Bet it all on Red twenty-three!” He bets every cen he has on Red twenty-three.
The wheel spins around, and it stops on Black eleven. The voice says, “Fuck.”
I’m going to go with the original brick joke.
Did you hear about the pilot who tried to fly with a brick balanced on top of his plane?
It fell off.
How do you get an ostrich into a fridge?
Open the door, put the ostrich in, close the door.
How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door, take out the ostrich, put the elephant in, close the door.
It's the birthday of Lion, the king of the animals. Every animal has turned up to celebrate except one.
It’s Elephant. He’s stuck in the fridge.
Did you hear about the little girl who miraculously managed to wade several miles through alligator-infrsted swamps without getting eaten?
The alligator was at the birthday party.
But she died anyway.
Killed by a falling brick.
what a ride
Found the pilot
Pretty much anything to get a groan or chuckle out of my wife.
One time while cutting up an avocado I remarked that they need better prizes, because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball.
That was of course good for a groan, but it would not be the end of it. I tend to do most of our cooking, and since our kitchen is kind of small my wife is usually in the living room while I am and can’t really see what I’m doing
So now whenever I’m cutting up an avocado I let out a groan of disappointment. And since my wife is a loving, caring sort of person she always asks “what’s the matter?”
To which I reply with an exasperated “Another little wooden ball”
Going on 10 years, and she falls for in any time.
–
This isn’t one I think particularly much of, I wasn’t even particularly trying to be funny, but my wife got quite a chuckle out of it, so it ranks. I was doing dishes, while she was again in the other room, I think on the phone with her mother.
I go to grab a spoon to clean from the rather large pile in the sink, which set off a bit of a chain reaction of dishes and pots shifting around and making a bit of a racket.
I paused for moment, and just kind of commented out loud to myself “huh, so that was a load-bearing spoon”
And apparently something about that delivery made my wife crack up.
–
Another time I was dead tired and crashed early, and was apparently not very willing to share the blankets or pillows or something when my wife came to join me.
Being more asleep than awake, I mumbled that she could pry them from my cold dead hands WHen she tried to get me to give some bedding up for her use.
Unfortunately for me, my wife is one of those people who is always somehow cold, and so she just applied her icy hands to my body, causing me to exclaim “AAH, COLD DEAD HANDS!”
–
I once showed her a picture of a snake I saw when I was out for a hike. She asked me how big it was, I told her about 2 feet
Which I also told her is 2 more than most snakes have.
–
I pointed out some geese, and asked if she knows how geese fly in a V-formation, which of course she did. Then I asked if she knew why sometimes one side of the V was longer than the other, she did not
I informed her that it’s because that side has more geese.
That groan is what peak marriage sounds like. I’m happy for both you guys.
WARNING: This joke is not clean.
A couple were at a party when they confided in some friends that they were having problems in the bedroom. Their friends admitted they too had problems there but were cured by a fantastic doctor and made the recommendation.
The couple went to this doctor. He did a very thorough physical examination and told them he thought he could help them. He said, “Step one is, on the way home, stop in a grocery store and buy a box of donuts and a bag of cherries.” Then to the woman he said, “place a donut on your husband’s penis and slowly eat it off to get the spark back in your love-making.” Then to the man he said, “Place some cherries inside your wife and do the same thing. Enjoy.” So they did this and over time the excitement returned to the bedroom.
Later they met another couple with the same problem and recommended the doctor. So they went to the doctor, he did a thorough physical examination and said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.” The couple was very distraught and didn’t know what to do. So they begged the doctor to help them. Eventually he reluctantly agreed and he said to them, “On the way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of apples…”
(Place laughter here.)
The Norm MacDonald moth joke.
For those unfamiliar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJN9mBRX3uo
He truly served a youthful porpoise
Fantastic choice
Did you hear about the drummer who had twin daughters? He named them anna 1 anna 2.
Badum-TSSH
I believe those are Lawrence Welk’s twin daughters.
Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?
It’s because they bless the rains down in Africa.
I don’t see it. Bloodless raign? How am I suppose to misshear it?
Blessed water aka holy water is very bad for vampires.
Noted. Thank you.
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the beer on your fishing trip?
Invite another Mormon.
(My family is Mormon and they also think this joke is hilarious)
I don’t get it.
In Mormon theology doing any mind altering substances like drinking alcohol, smoking anything, and I shit you not even drinking fucking coffee it’s explicitly forbidden.
But like most religious zealots, they all do it, and knitting circles ain’t got shit on churches when it comes to spreading other people’s business to “hold each other accountable”, but we all know it’s just a reason to gossip. So if you have one Mormon, and assuming you are not, the mormon will drink your beer. But if you have another one, they know that person will tell EVERYONE about it.
One of my most baffling social nights was being invited to poker night at the home of a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses. My buddy had married one (that’s a whole different kettle of fish, set that to the side for now lol) and that’s how I came along for card night.
So anyways… there’s no gambling allowed… so the deal was everybody put in $20 dollars and whoever “won” was awarded the trophy. To keep it totally in God’s hands and not humans gambling, the poker game’s River card would mutate all cards with the same value to Wild cards. So no matter how shitty anybody played or what anybody did, the outcome was quasi-random. Then once everybody had all the chips, they were awarded the trophy. The trophy was a 40oz bottle of whiskey. Which Jehovah’s are not allowed to drink. But don’t worry, it was agreed beforehand nobody would actually drink it, it’s a damned trophy for crying out loud!
Also we were not allowed (per JW rules) to be socializing in the first place. Also there was rock music in the background while we played which is not allowed. And the JWs would individually disappear to the laundry room to make their pop-only drinks with whatever (pop only!) products each person brought to the gathering in a zippered gym bag.
I mean. Yeah. It was so fucking weird man.
I had a friend (Who often got confused for Will Ferrell) who ran karaoke nights down south who was ex communicated, or I think it was called de-fellowshipped, from JW for trying to learn about their past. Fuck these cults are strange.
Oh, I thought when you invite a second Mormon, the first one won’t drink all your beer cause the second one will drink half of it.
Technically if they both drink it neither one has drunk all the beer. Mission accomplished
The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything.
Edit: The Dalai Lama pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill, but the vendor doesn’t give him any money back. The Lama asks for his change. The vendor says change must come from within.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlIrI80og8c
The man himself was not amused
This is like a Kōan.
(Upon hearing this, he was enlightened)
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn’t very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?
On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.
After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moshe, “He says to me, ‘You Jews have three days to leave.’ So I said: ‘One!’” Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews … we stay right here." “And then?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy…
Therapist: Your wife says you don’t pay attention to what’s going on in her life and you’re not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.
Husband: Gosh, I guess that’s true. I mean… I didn’t even know she sold flowers.
