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Cake day: June 5th, 2023

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  • Your comment inspired me to write a short story. It’s the first draft of the first bit of fiction I’ve written in a while so don’t expect too much but I wanted to share:

    I should have seen it coming, he thought as he drifted through the emptiness of space.

    It wasn’t the first time he had thought that and it wouldn’t be the last but it was exactly what went through his mind at this moment. There wasn’t much to think about but regrets. Not much to do either. Nobody to talk to, not even air in his lungs to scream into the void. Just empty space, fading memories and regrets.

    It all had started with an innocent thought, back when he had been a young boy by the name of Marcus. He had watched as his older brother’s favorite dog had been hit by a cart. That had been his first real contact with death and as is normal for any person, he had thought: I don’t want to die. For most people, that thought just leads to a generally cautious lifestyle, maybe a list of things to do, but overall, they don’t spend too much time thinking it. But Marcus had never been like most people. From that day on, that one new thought had consumed his every waking moment and his list of things to do in life had consisted of only one item: become immortal.

    So he had spent most of his youth hunting for information about his new obsession, much to his father’s displeasure. He had read stories from Roman and Greek mythology, had found a rare translation of Egyptian lore and had even talked to soldiers returning from the barbarian lands in the north. At one point he had waited outside a doctor’s house for days until two of his brothers had come to drag him back home.

    And eventually he had actually found the secret to immortality, long before the medieval alchemists and the 21st century cryopreservation craze. Ironically it had been something so trivial, so mundane that he couldn’t remember what it had been. Then again, after living uncountable lifetimes, there was a lot he couldn’t remember anymore.

    What he had found was even what people generally considered the “good” kind of immortal. Not the one where you technically can’t die but still age and become so sick and frail that you can’t do much with your life. He didn’t need to eat, drink, breathe or sleep, couldn’t get sick and couldn’t really be harmed even by extreme forces. With time he even learned to endure things that couldn’t threaten his immortal life but still felt unpleasant, like pain, heat and cold. Even in the endless nothingness of space, he still looked like a healthy middle-aged man with only a couple of scars from before his immortality.

    But of course there was a catch. There was always a catch and he should have seen it coming. He had seen so many things coming, just not the important ones.

    Outliving his family and friends had been painful but to be expected from the start. Everyone who seriously thinks about immortality comes to terms with that after a while. Even the downfall of his entire culture at the hands of foreign invaders hadn’t really impacted him. By that point he had already been at the other end of the world, studying cultures that nobody from his home had ever heard about.

    He had seen empires rise and fall, political systems blossom and revert to absolutist monarchies, religions morph into each other. He had been there for that brief moment in time when humanity had seemingly invented everything at once: contraptions to connect the planet, to explore beyond it and to turn it into a barren rock where no life was possible. Well, no life except his own. He had tried to warn others after the first few rounds of almost-extinction but every time the best he could manage had been a few decades of rebuilding and halfhearted attempts at making sure it couldn’t happen again. And then it had happened again. And again.

    Only when he had become the last bit of sentient life for as far as he could reach, he had figured out what the catch was. He was immortal. He couldn’t die by any means, not even by his own hand, and that meant he would be alone forever. It’s not like he had never tried to help others become immortal. He had offered it to his closest friends, to countless lovers that he couldn’t bear to lose and to a few strangers that he had thought to be important for the world’s future. Most of them had laughed at him or politely humored him but never really put any effort into it. A select few had made genuine attempts but none had ever managed to do what he had done. He could only assume they had been lacking that unwavering conviction that had driven him in his youth.

    And so he had been alone. For the first few years it hadn’t bothered him too much. After millennia of being around every conceivable kind of person on earth, a bit of peace and quiet had actually been welcome. Eventually, he had spent a few decades, maybe centuries, looking for other survivors but with no success. The only thing he had found was a few remaining sea critters and for a while he had even attempted to breed them into something that would make a good pet.

    He had tried to build his own rocket to get off this gods-damned rock and see something new in the universe but it turns out that even with all the knowledge of humankind, more spare time than a human could ever dream about and a whole heap of mangled spare parts that had conveniently been left behind by previous generations, a single human being just can’t do that.

    So all he had left to do was sit there for a couple billion years and wait for the sun to burn out and swallow earth.

    It had been a spectacle that he wished to be able to share with others. It had been really bright, really hot and a lot slower than he had expected. But most importantly, it had been the last time something interesting had happened to him. After who knows how long, the sun had finally shed it’s outer shell and collapsed into a white dwarf.

    The only other thing left was him. No planets, no asteroid belt, nothing particularly interesting to look at. Just empty space, fading memories and regret.


    • Buy/build my dream home. My current apartment has its perks and is quite big for the rent I pay but it doesn’t feel like home. I had to move in a hurry because my old lease got terminated when the house got sold and I still feel homesick after more than seven years.
    • Continue learning Japanese until i can hold a useful conversation, then visit Japan.
    • Publish something for the world to see. A piece of software, a game, a movie, a novel, anything.
    • Show the most important people in my life how much they mean to me. I regularly tell them but there are more feelings deep inside me for which I haven’t found the right way to express them.




  • Am I supposed to tell them I really really wanna kms right now?

    Yes. If you don’t, they can’t help you.

    Nah, they’d lock me up lmfao

    Not if you are honest about it. Talking openly about it instead of just doing it is a good sign that you might be ready to fix stuff.

    Can’t even tell my mom cuz she’d get mad at me…

    That’s not normal and not healthy. Tell your therapist. They might be able to find a way to get you out of an unhealthy environment, at least for a while.


  • Not me but someone close to me:

    • There is a difference between “ready for therapy” and “ready for change”. Some people will sit in therapy for years but never see much progress because they are so stuck in doing or thinking something that holds them back.
    • Your therapist will tell you things that don’t make sense to you. Listen to them anyway. If they tell you something that seems impossible, don’t ignore it, ask how you can do that. If they tell you something that seems useless, try it anyway, then report back if it doesn’t work and be open for an explanation for why it didn’t work.
    • Be brutally honest. Your therapist won’t be able to help you unless you tell them exactly how bad your situation is. If you spend 90% of your day in bed and tell your therapist you’re doing okay, they won’t be able to correctly identify what kind of help you need.
    • It is completely normal to miss some of your goals. Therapy takes time and nobody will judge you if you take longer than others. Figuring out how much you should push yourself and when you need a break is hard. Either way, don’t be angry at yourself when something doesn’t work out. As long as you tried, you’re fine.
    • Most of your problems are in your head. That doesn’t mean they aren’t real. It doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. It doesn’t mean they aren’t difficult to overcome. It just means that the only person who can solve them is you. A therapist can explain how to solve them but they can’t change your thoughts or your habits.




  • Oh damn, Urban Dictionary fucked up the link. The hymen explanation is further down on the same page and I specifically clicked that share link and the shortened link even includes the ID for the correct explanation but somehow when expanding the link they just show you the full list without even scrolling down to the right section. Thanks for nothing, I guess.






  • It’s probably mostly a matter of getting used to the way Darktable does things and where it puts certain controls.

    That’s what Camera Raw’s basic tab looks like (not my screenshot, I’m at the linux laptop right now). It has most of what I need for a photo to look “okay” before I dive into the other tabs for more in-depth edits. I’m sure Darktable has equivalent functions to all of those (they’re very basic after all) but at least with the default UI presets, I need to look through many different tabs and modules with unfamiliar names to find them.

    Then there’s warnings like “White balance applied twice”. Apparently I’m not allowed to use the white balance sliders because the color calibration module already applies white balance? But that module doesn’t provide an intuitive way to select color temperature and tint?

    I’m sure I could get used to all of that. But right now I don’t have the time or energy to learn a completely new editing workflow from scratch. Many open source tools suffer from programmer UI syndrome (I’m allowed to say that, I’m a programmer myself). They do everything the lead maintainer needs them to do but you often need to be intimately familiar with the software’s inner workings to understand what each control in the UI does. I don’t want to think about the differences between “linear Bradford (ICC v4)”, “non-linear Bradford” and “CAT16 (CIECAM16)” color calibration formulas, especially not when I’ve set my UI to “workflow: beginner”. I just want to make my photo a tiny bit warmer. Give me sensible defaults and put the super detailed settings out of the way until I need them.


  • I switched my laptop to Arch a bit over a year ago but my desktop is still on Windows 11.

    The main thing that’s holding me back is the lack of raw photo editing software that matches my workflow. I’ve tried RawTherapee, Darktable, RapidRAW and a couple of others. So far, everything was either cumbersome to use, was missing important features or had suboptimal performance. With dozens if not hundreds of candidates, even one more minute of editing time per photo can quickly add up. Many of my gigs are event photography and my clients often want at least the roughly edited previews within 24-48 hours.

    If any of you knows a tool that accurately replicates the UX, feature set and performance of (ideally) Adobe Camera Raw or (not so ideally) Lightroom, you’d make me the happiest photography nerd on the planet. Bonus points if it correctly imports existing development settings in case I need to re-edit or re-export older photos.

    PSA: if you recommend I use GIMP, like so many before you did, I will block you. GIMP is not a raw editor and it can’t even open most raw formats without help from one of the tools I mentioned above.


  • The wayback machine has a snapshot of my personal Age of Empires 2 and Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds fan site from October 2002. Digging around a bit, the site and its forum must have been online since at least August of the same year. (Edit: if you dig around long enough you’ll probably find forum accounts from 2001 or even older but those old phpBB forums usually only have a fraction of their threads preserved).

    The oldest thing that’s still in use is a forum account from September 2003. Last post with that account was two weeks ago. The community is not as active as it used to be but we still do in-person meetups at least twice a year.