I remember having recurring dreams in which I would fall into the gap in the elevator or between the subways/trains and the plattform, etc. and then jolt away with a whole-body flinch.

The dreams went away as I got older, but I still grip stuff (e.g. my phone) as tightly as I can if I have to carry it across those gaps ^^

Well, the original comic did need all 4 panels:

One could even say it’s a PogChamp

Obligatory:

People who died in the shower:

Glad I could help :)

Just a word of advice: If you get started on your journey to regaining your confidence, be aware it might take years. A Therapist will speed up the process through asking the right questions and ‘judgement’, but are relatively expensive (you’re basically paying their hourly wage 1:1, plus taxes)

If you can’t or don’t want to afford a therapist, there are enough (good) resources on the internet to DIY this. Just keep in mind that this will take much longer and both approaches will require processing emotions and (good) crying :)

With that first and last paragraph, in addition to your question, it sounds like you don’t have the confidence to decide this purchase on your own.

Whereas spending money on car stuff, emergency funds or your parents must have been generally approved by whoever you fear consequences from. (looks like your father (or parents?) when you were a child)

You can obv. just go ahead and buy that MacBook, as a form of exposure therapy. Buy it, accept the potential fallout from that action and come out the other side with a MacBook.

If even small luxuries, like a small figurine make you anxious, you could search for something small you like and buy that first and ‘work your way up’.

Alternatively you need to do the deep soul searching and process all those emotions around spending and saving money. Which future does your fear try to save you from? What happens to you, or your family, when you spend that money? Why do you budget (emotionally)? Why is spending money on family (luxuries?) ok? When is it not? What does a MacBook represent to you?